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Recently my girlfriend and I were chatting about our kids and our husbands and she shared how she wished her marriage was as perfect as mine. I was taken a back because my marriage is a lot of things, but perfect it is not! If she knew my husband and I right after we were married, she certainly would not characterize my marriage as ‘perfect.’
During that first year, past relationship baggage and my idealistic expectations of what a husband is supposed to be, had us both wondering if tying the knot had been the right thing to do.
See, as a little girl I watched my mother wait for hours for my step dad to come home. I could always tell when things were amiss. Dinner time would near, my dad was a no-show, and mom would start pacing. She got frantic, yelling at us kids to do this or that chore. We could feel the tension brewing. We walked on egg shells as the minutes ticked by and my dad still wasn’t home. We knew that the minute he walked through the door, chaos would ensue and we would be left to pick up the pieces.
My parents did this dysfunctional dance for over twenty years. My mother contends that she did it for us kids. However, if she had asked my siblings and I, we would have unanimously agreed that soaking in hot lava would have been better than listening to them fuss and fight for more than a decade.
Living through my parent’s failed marriage made me doubt relationships and I developed major trust issues. However, I felt a certain lack in my life that I believed could only be filled by being in a relationship. I went on a quest to find Prince Charming so he could restore my hope in happily ever after.
After years of kissing many, many, frogs, I landed my prince and we got engaged. I was on cloud nine. I planned the perfect garden wedding with a well-crafted soundtrack. No detail was left out and the day went better than planned. Finally, I had everything I wanted. I was well on my way to replacing the ugly scars being from a broken home leaves behind with the magic of my new found fairytale.
Yeah, except for one thing. I was not prepared for all the work and compromise that being married entails. The bickering started right away. Do you have to hog all the covers? Why are you turning down the heat, did it occur to you that I was cold? Why do I have to cook dinner every night? What’s wrong with your hands? He’s your son too you know, it wouldn’t kill you to give him a bath. How come we don’t spend time together anymore? Are you seeing someone else? Oh, so this is my fault? Well this is me and you’re not going to change me.
That first year we would argue and make up, argue and make up until we got to the point where we were arguing more than we were making up. I wasn’t prepared for the hard work of being in a marriage. Sure the fairy tale wedding I could do. But this real life marriage thing, I wasn’t sure I was equipped to deal with. The whole compromising thing where I couldn’t have things go my way all the time made absolutely no sense to me. Every fiber in my body rebelled. My marriage wasn’t living up to my expectations and resentment started to brew.
There were days where I couldn’t stand to look at my husband. The way he shoveled food into his mouth bothered me. I hated his laugh and at night when he snored I contemplated smothering him with a pillow just to shut him up! I hated him for not giving me my happy ending. We were both disappointed with each other and lacked the skills to communicate what was really bothering us.
I was too afraid to tell my husband that I was scared he would turn into my step dad. I was afraid he wouldn’t honor his vows. What if I couldn’t handle the pressures of being married and raising a family? What if I wasn’t wife material? It was much easier to push him away than to face my fears. Or worse yet, have him leave me first.
I almost let fear and unreasonable expectations ruin my marriage. I wanted my husband to rewrite history and give me all the love and validation I lacked growing up. I didn’t show up at the altar his equal. I went their broken and expected that his love would fix me and make me whole. When this did not go according to plan, naturally it was his fault and he became man number 110 that had disappointed me.
This wasn’t the plot in any romance novel I read! It didn’t take long for our relationship problems to spill over onto our son who was five at the time. When he told me that he was worried mommy and daddy would get a divorce, I realized that I was repeating history and my son was being sacrificed as collateral damage.
That was the only wake-up call I needed. I didn’t want my son to develop a jaded view of marriage and relationships the way I had. Our children are our first priority and it is important to us that they witness a healthy relationship so they can develop realistic expectations of what being married entails.
My husband and I are now a month away from our sixth wedding anniversary. Our marriage is still far from being a fairytale. In many ways I’m still insecure about my ability to be a good wife. We still bicker and his snoring still annoys the crap out of me. But he loves me in spite of my flaws and I love him in spite of his. We found a groove that works for us instead of trying to live up to some unrealistic expectation. Who knows what the future holds. The only thing that matters is that we are both committed to making each other happy.
So no, we don’t have the perfect marriage, we have the marriage that works for us.
If you like this post you might also like Four Mommy Wars That Should End.
Linked up at Brilliant Blog Posts
Susie says
I think life sometimes builds our expectations up and then when we hit these “normal” phases and see how reality is not the “life” we thought it would be, we can either fail or adjust. Kudos to you for working on your marriage and not falling into the first category. You sound like you learned a great lesson from your parents even if it wasn’t one they intended to teach you.
Yanique Chambers says
Well said! I’m in it for the long haul, for better or worse. You know I never really saw my parent’s marriage as a ‘great lesson’, but I like the reframe. It makes forgiving their misteps easier because I’m sure they were doing the best with what they had at the time. Thanks for that a-ha moment!
Jaime says
It’s so hard when you go into marriage with expectations and they’re nothing what you imagined. Thankfully we learn, albeit slowly!
Jessica H. says
My husband often tells me that you have to live not only by example, but by taking a lesson from other people’s mistakes. I’m going on year three of marriage and it definitely hasn’t been a total picnic. I never thought marriage would be so hard at times and would include so many fights. I think common expectations and misrepresentations are that finding a mate and the dating game are the hard parts of building relationships and marriage is a happy ending from the moment you say “I do.” Relationships are constantly being built as we grow as individuals. It’s when you find someone that can grow alongside you and accept you for who you are (flaws and insecurities included), that’s truly something special to hold onto.
Yanique Chambers says
Beautifully said and so very true. I’m in awe everyday that my husband still loves me even after seeing me at my worst. This is what makes us able to go beyond that superficial ‘let’s pretend everything is OK’ phase we started out in. Thanks so much for your meaningful comment. I really appreciate it 🙂
Erin says
I recently got married as well, it’s not a fairytale and we have to work hard everyday but God has blessed our marriage and I pray He continues to bless yours.
Yanique Chambers says
Congratulations! Thank you and blessings your way as well 🙂
Tianna says
Not married yet, but my boyfriend and I have been together for 7 years now. When we first got together, I had a lot of the same baggage as you. My parents went through a horrible divorce when I was about 7-8 and don’t speak to each other to this day so I didn’t have the best example. Thankfully, my boyfriend is so kind and understanding, he’s been willing to work with me on my trust issues and insecurities and we’ve moved on to an even better place. It takes work, but I think it’s definitely worth it. It’s good to see you guys are working through it instead of giving up ♥
stop by and chat 🙂 http://storybookapothecary.com
Yanique Chambers says
Glad you and your boyfriend are in a good place. It makes such a huge difference when your partner is understanding and is willing to stick by your side through the ups and downs. I appreciate you stopping by and sharing Tianna!
Sheryl says
That is perfect. Making it work…perfection. You should be proud that you and your hubby chose to put in the work to make it work. It sounds like you did it for you and your hubs as well as for your son. While your son is extremely important, so is your marriage. I’ve been married 15 years and it takes work. Every day. But, it is worth it. I love that you wrote that he loves you for your flaws and vice-versa. That is what it’s all about!
Nadine says
Marriage is a lot of hard work. When people say you are lucky to be with someone, I have to tell them I am but it takes a lot of hard work and it’s definitely not a constant fairytale. The fact of the matter is you are two different people from two different worlds and we all have different upbringings, views and morals. But hey if they are worth it and you love them you will fight hard to make it work. I’m glad you managed to sort things out in your marriage and I hope your continue to have a great life together as a family 🙂
Yanique Chambers says
Well said Nadine! Marriage is work, it just doesn’t happen. However, like you said, if you feel it’s worth it then it is worth the time and effort. Thanks for stopping by!
Leslie says
Great post! Very honest, and tells a story about marriage that a lot of people don’t want to share. It’s HARD. And the title is great.
Yanique Chambers says
Thanks Leslie! So many people like to sugar coat their marriages because they don’t want to admit it’s not the fairytale they envisioned it would be. I always learn from others’ experiences and hopefully someone will read this and take a way a little something to stay encouraged.
Tammy @ creativekkids says
What a real post. We all have to make it work (I need God’s help), and no marriage is perfect. I tried to comment on G+, but the post was shared to a community, so I came here!
Yanique Chambers says
Thanks Tammy! It really does require work to keep a marriage intact. I have done my fair share of praying to help me through some rough patches.
Jenny @ Unremarkable Files says
It’s hard to throw two imperfect people together, add a baby or two and a house so they’re stressed and exhausted and worried about money, and then expect them to work on having a successful marriage. Glad to hear you’re sticking it out and I hope it gets better every day.
Bri W says
I witnessed a similar situation between my parents that had the opposite effect. I am and have been sceptical of not necessarily relationships but marriage. Although havingbeen ttogether for 6 years things changed drastically when we became engaged. I could feel my self trying not to be my mom and causing issues. We are working through them but I’m not sure I’ll ever really be ready for marriage.
Yanique Chambers says
I’m so sorry to hear that. Sometimes the scars from childhood affect us long after the wound occurred. I really hope that you are able to heal and find a relationship that works for you. And if marriage isn’t for you, that’s OK too. Do what’s best for you. All the best and thanks for stopping by Bri!
Kim Hilbert says
It does take time to get used to living and making a family with someone else. You sound like you’re doing great!
Jennifer | The Deliberate Mom says
People’s perceptions can be so skewed can’t they? Marriage takes a lot of work and often we’re not so eager to share the challenges as much as the triumphs. Thanks for being so candid.
Thanks for sharing (and for linking up to the #SHINEbloghop).
Wishing you a lovely weekend.
xoxo
Kathleen says
Thank you and your husband for not giving up, and that you have kept working on your marriage, your commitment. Your children have role models in your relationship that tells them not to give up, it can work and it can work well.. I love your honesty and your determination to keep growing in your relationship. Your contribution has enhanced Fridays Blog Booster Party.
Yanique Chambers says
Thanks Kathleen. I really appreciate the words of encouragement. My husband and I remain a work in progress and I’m so grateful that he’s the man I’ve been blessed with. I look forward to linking up on Friday 🙂
Wholesome Joy says
Thank you for your transparency! <3
kay ~ lifestylevoices.com says
You’re doing well to talk about this. I grew up like you did. Being home was torture sometimes. Then when I married, I was like you. And after 7 years, I left my husband for another man. Fortunately I learned that I had to work on me, before it was too late, and it looks like that’s what you’re doing too. Just don’t do what I did because you’ll quickly learn that the “other guy” isn’t the answer, he’s just a diversion from the work you have to do on yourself. I found this post through a Tweet. I’m really glad I did. Best wishes going forward. 🙂
Yanique Chambers says
Thanks Kay for being so honest in your comment. It definitely is important for me to work on me and all the baggage I was carrying around. I will heed your warning! I can’t think of one problem I’ve had that’s been solved with a new man. Funny, I use to think men were the solution. So happy things worked out for you and it seems like you’ve found happiness. I wish you the best and thanks for stopping by!
SixPackMommy says
Thank you for being so real; marriage is HARD. Even when you’re compatible, and have the same values, and love one another, it still takes work to stay on the same page and nurture the relationship. An invaluable point you make about the tension we can create in our children if/when things are amiss.
Émilie says
Very honest and inspiring! I love how you didn’t sugar coat your story! I think that if something is wrong in your relationship, you need to start working on bettering yourself instead of blaming your partner. That’s how we grow as individuals but also as a couple!
Yanique Chambers says
I completely agree with you. The blame game is a lose-lose for both parties. So much more is gained in a relationship when both parties figure out their role in the problem and work on solving it as opposed to passing blame on to their partner. Thanks for your thoughtful comment and kind words:-)
Theresa says
The fact that you guys are committed to making each other happy shows the level of love & respect you have for one another. No marriage or relationship is perfect…as long as it works for the parties involved, that’s what counts. Congrats on your soon to be 6 years of marriage!
Yanique Chambers says
Thank you Theresa! Marriage really is what we make of it.
Nikki Frank-Hamilton says
I love this! I think that most of us plan the wedding and don’t even think about what will happen after. I mean, we love each other, so that should just all work out, right? LOL! No one tells us how hard it is after the wedding. This is something that I want to make sure my kids are prepared for. It takes work and lots of compromise, doesn’t it? I got a snorer too, lol, suffocate him with a pillow!
Yanique Chambers says
I can honestly say I had no clue how much work went into a marriage when I said I do. I’ve heard people say it’s work, but I was that girl who really believed all we needed was love… HA! Thanks for stopping by 🙂
Sadia says
Thank you so much for sharing your story so honestly. I thought I knew how much hard work would go into marriage, and even skipped the wedding, instead opting for wearing jeans to the courthouse. My marriage still failed, despite the work I put in, because (as I learned the hard way), it takes two. A wonderful relationship book I recommend to all committed couples in “We Love Each Other, But…” Check out the reviews on Amazon and see if you might benefit from it.
Here from #twinklytuesday
Yanique Chambers says
Thanks for being so candid in your comment. It really does take two people to make a relationship work. I will certainly take a look at “We Love Each Other.” I’m always game for finding out ways to nurture a relationship. Thanks again for stopping by Sadia!
Jessica says
Really great post! I think that most people think marriages are supposed to be perfect, but it never is for anyone! It’s hard work and built with lots of love, listening and compromise.
Yanique Chambers says
So true. All lessons I learned in that first year and I’m glad I did. Thanks for sharing your thoughts!
Brooke Knipp says
This is a great post! And perspective! And I hope tons of people read it and take it to heart. When two people make their marriage it’s own entity that is worth respect and love and trust in order to grow it and maintain it, great things happen—not just in the marriage, but in each individual. In my humble opinion 🙂
Kathleen says
Hi Yanique, your post will be featured- it had a lot of clicks on
Fridays Blog Booster Party. We would love you to come and share some more on Friday 17th
Yanique Chambers says
Thank you Kathleen! I will be linking up on Friday!
Rachel says
I love the honesty of this post! As someone coming up on my 25th anniversary, I’m working on a post about the secrets to a long marriage. I don’t think I would call it work, though. I’d say it’s more about conscious awareness of how what you do and say affects your partner, coupled with a general respect for and clear vision of who your partner is. I think you went into your marriage with a very polarized view of marriage: there was either your parents’ marriage at one pole or the fairytale marriage at the other end. And you’ve found out that most marriages are somewhere in between. It’s great that you’re working on it and that it’s going better now. I would not, however, ever say you should stay together for the sake of your children. As you know from experience, it’s worse for kids to grow up in the toxic environment of a bad marriage than to grow up with divorced parents, in my opinion. And your mother should never have said that to you! It’s too much of a burden and responsibility to place on a child that you’re staying in a bad marriage for their sake! Good luck with growing your marriage together! (And, by the way, it might be worth asking a doctor about the snoring. Sometimes there are medical reasons it’s happening.)
Yanique Chambers says
Well said Rachel! You’re right, work isn’t necessarily the right word because I don’t think having a successful marriage requires never ending unpleasant, hard labor. I enjoy nurturing my marriage and watching it grow. I don’t view investing time in my spouse and our relationship as a burden at all. Thanks for pointing that out. Your analysis is spot on and to this day I cringe each time my mother explains that she stayed for my siblings and I. I mean, what can you say to that…”Sorry you had to be a martyr and stay in an unhappy marriage for two decades for our sake mom.” As for the snoring, I will suggest it to him. I’m open to anything! LOL. Thanks again Rachel for your thoughtful comment and words of encouragement. I truly appreciate it.
Debi (thatdebi) says
Wow, love this post. Thanks for your honesty! Relationships are hard work and it’s so easy to forget that and focus on the fun parts, the wedding etc.. there is so much more behind it. Good for you for realizing the damage that was about to happen with your son. I was raised in a similar household as you, and my mother still maintains they “stayed together for the kids.” I wish more parents realized it’s not healthy or happy for kids to be raised in that kind of life.
Yanique Chambers says
When i hear people say they stay in bad relationships for the kids I just can’t understand it in most instances. Relationships are hard work and I wish someone had been real with me about what being married entails. In either event I believe that my relationship with my husband inspires me to be the best me, therefore I’m willing to do the work. Thanks for stopping by Debi!
Mummy Fever says
Great post – I think the search for perfection is quite a dangerous thing.This is much more realistic #brilliantblogposts
Yanique Chambers says
Right! If I had held all my unrealistic expectations, I would be divorced right now still searching for perfection probably.
Caro | The Twinkles Mama says
What a lovely post — and so true. If you think marriage is going to be hearts and flowers I think you’d end up disappointed! I’ve been married for almost 15 years and have a brilliant relationship with my husband. That said, it’s certainly no Disney fairytale. But it works! Thanks so much for linking up with #TwinklyTuesday — please could you pop our badge on the end of your post, next time you link up? x
Caro | http://www.thetwinklediaries.co.uk
Yanique Chambers says
Thanks Caro! A Disney fairytale it is not! Sorry about the badge and I will do. Thanks for stopping by!
Sydney Fashion Hunter says
Brilliant post. I have just clicked over 22 years of marriage and even longer together. I may not have the perfect man or the perfect marriage but they are perfect for me 🙂
Yanique Chambers says
Sydney, at the end of the day that’s all that matters, right?!
Jenny says
I think it’s tough when people on the outside think everything is so perfect. I don’t think one marriage is perfect out there because we are all humans and all have our up and downs it’s just private so from the outside no one knows. It’s hard to see reality of life sometimes. Great post. Thank you ever so much for linking up to Share With Me #sharewithme
Yanique Chambers says
Absolutely Jenny! We all do the best we can and hopefully in the long run it works. Thanks for always hosting an amazing link up. See you next week 🙂
Meredith@MommyAtoZ says
I love how honest you are about your experience. It’s easy to think you’re alone when experiencing marriage difficulties, and posts like yours help people realize that everyone struggles, and that a good marriage requires work, and sometimes dealing with past issues. Thanks for sharing, and for linking up at the Manic Mondays blog hop!
Kate /PoutingInHeels (@KateLPortman) says
What a wonderful honest post. Marriage is so difficult at times, so it’s really refreshing to hear you talk about the difficulties that most of us experience at some time or another. I was particularly taken by the part where you mention your son picking up on your challenges. You’re absolutely right, it’s imperative that our children witness healthy relationships. Thanks so much for sharing! x
#BrilliantBlogPosts
Yanique Chambers says
Thanks Kate 🙂 Marriage truly takes a lot of patience and commitment. I always feel comforted knowing that others share similar experiences to my own so if someone can relate to this, I have good reason to smile. Thanks for stopping by and sharing your thoughts. I really appreciate it!
Ilona @ Ilona's Passion says
Great post! I think that we have to work hard to create great marriage.