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Being a mom blogger I read countless stories about the antics of toddlers and the pain of watching babies grow into rambunctious tweens. I’ve written my fair share of 10 Things I Want My Child to Know articles and how being a mother has changed me. However, as a social worker who previously worked with foster children, I can’t help but wonder, who tells the story of a foster child?
I’m not referring to the children who are lucky enough to have loving foster parents in their lives. I’m talking about the difficult, hard to place children who bounce from home to home. The ones we would rather not come in contact with for fear they will steal, hurt, or lie to us.
Who is plastering these children’s pictures on Facebook to commemorate every milestone they achieve? Don’t they deserve the same love and adoration as other children?
Let’s be honest, kids in foster care, especially once they are out of the ‘cute phase’, are often stereotyped as being problem children, thieves, and ne’er-do-wellers. Sure we might donate old clothes and toys to them, but when it comes to connecting with these children and offering them love and support, society falls short.
Yes, many foster children have problems, steal, lie, and have several walls up to keep people out. However, I challenge you to look beyond these walls and into their hearts. There you will find a diamond hidden in the rough, waiting for love to make them sparkle.
Foster children, like everyone else, are complex beings. I remember working with a young man, we’ll call him John Doe for confidentiality purposes. I met John when he was 11 years old. He was scrawny and probably weighed seventy pounds wet. When he was with the other kids he cussed like a sailor and fought anyone who made the slightest insult against him.
When it was just the two of us though, he would let his guard down and tearfully share how alone he felt because his mother betrayed him and his father abandoned him. He didn’t feel lovable and considered himself stupid and worthless because that’s what he heard repeatedly from his mother.
Other times when we talked he would just be an 11 year old boy. He would want to play cards and tell silly knock knock jokes. He dared to dream and wanted to know if magic was real. His face lit up when he talked about his baby sister and how he use to play peek-a-boo with her. In those moments he was just like my 11 year old son and his friends.
John was certainly rough around the edges and others found him prickly. But like many kids in foster care, he learned to protect himself by pushing others away and putting up a façade that kept the real him hidden. Many of these kids have been hurt so many times that being in your face and combative becomes a survival tactic for them.
Do you know how many kids were placed at the facility I worked temporarily only to get a Dear John letter from a parent or guardian telling them that they didn’t think it was a good idea for them to return home? I’ll admit, in some cases I could see why the decision was made. However, the pain these children experienced from being discarded is very real and long lasting.
Of course it would be awesome if more qualified, caring people became foster parents. However being a foster parent isn’t for everybody. Moreover, there is so much more that we can do to help these children.
You can volunteer, be a mentor, or an advocate. It doesn’t matter how big or small. These children need to know that we care and that society hasn’t given up on them. Take the time and get to know them and their story.
For more information on how you can make a child in foster care know they matter, visit National Foster Care Month.
Kim @ This Ole Mom says
This story makes me sad. It’s really well written. Sadly its true. I have worked with many foster children, have been a foster parent myself , and my nephew was adopted when hen was 8 years old. He was a discarded child nobody wanted they called him”bad” put him in mental hospitals . The last foster family he was with before my brother adopted him , adopted his little brother they told him they didn’t want him . My brother and my nephew now 14 yrs.old were lucky to find each other . He is the most loving and sweetest child. Sometimes all they need is love and to know they are wanted!!! Thank you for writing this , not all foster children are bad most just want normal lives and a family!
Six Pack Mommy says
I’m always so saddened to think of what it must be like for foster children- to not be with their biological parents, yet to also not be in a permanent home. My sister is also a LCSW, so I know what an uphill battle it is for these kids. Your advice is on point, however; these children need to be treated with dignity and compassion, because despite the tough outer exterior some of them develop out of necessity, they are still children who need love & nurturing.
Sarah Hunnysett says
Thank you that is so thought provoking. As a writer myself i will be giving this some serious thought.
x
Clare Speer says
Sad but truth – and thank you for helping to get “the word out” as it obviously needs to get out there!
Sherri S says
I’ve considered being a foster parent, but have so many worries about the change in family dynamics with my biological children. I probably should look into it more because there are so many children out there who DESPERATELY need a loving and stable home environment. Thank you for bringing this to my attention again!
Kim says
Thank you bringing attention to this, and especially for including a list of ways to help other than fostering. I have a pretty full plate with my kids but I’m pretty sure I can fit in mentoring!
Kenda says
I like how you gave ideas for those that are not ready to foster children – volunteer, advocate, mentor, etc….
thanks for the great ideas!
Amanda says
You are bringing attention to such an important topic. Even if we aren’t equipped to welcome a foster child into our family, it is all of our responsibilities to work as a community to support and encourage foster children and foster families. Thanks for shedding light on this important topic.
Thomasina says
Very true and very sad. I used to babysit for two foster care children and I often wonder how they are doing to this day. The foster care parents were older and couldn’t manage caring for them after a while because they had so many issues. It broke my heart, because they were being bounced from place to place and they were so young they didn’t understand. I do support that more people should be open to being foster care parents, but to me it does go deeper than that. How do we keep kids from becoming foster care kids in the first place?
Jessica @ Moxie and Mischief says
I am an LPC, and prior to private practice I supplied therapeutic services to teenagers in the foster care system. The stories I heard broke my heart. They knew they were past the cute phase and often felt hopeless about ever finding a family. I basically wanted to adopt them all. Thanks for sharing such an important message.
karyl henry says
What a heartbreaking and heartwarming story. I get so frustrated when I hear about couples who get denied the opportunity to foster/adopt here in the US for trivial reasons and have to go overseas. Or couples who only want “perfect” infants. There are so many older children who need just as much, if not more, love.
Gunjan says
Very Nice article and important for all to consider.
Brooke Knipp says
This is heart-breaking, but you’re absolutely right. I have a few friends that are wonderful foster families and I have so much respect for them. They do so much—and can’t imagine it any other way. The return on an investment in a child, particularly a foster child you may not always be around, won’t always be visible, but I imagine you’re right that every investment makes a difference for the child. Thanks for the compelling read.
Amy says
I worked with several foster kids as a tutor an an alternative high school. You are so right… you have to get beyond their protective facade and see the child inside. Who will tell their stories? I can only hope that they encounter enough caring adults that they will be able to tell their own stories.
Orana says
When I was growing up in Miami there was a foster house on my street and thats about all i knew about foster families. I always think of the kids that lived there and I would play with at the park when I hear or read about foster kids. They are a mystery to me and I feel for them. I liked your story, and I agree; who writes about the foster kids?
Hannah Nicklin says
This is so important to keep in mind and remember as we see happy children with loving families sharing their own stories all the time. Not everyone has someone to cherish them and show the world how proud they are of them.. It makes me very sad just thinking about it. 🙁
http://www.missnicklin.co.uk/
Yanique Chambers says
I feel the same way Hannah.
Emily, Our house now a home says
This is such a important thing to realize. It is so sad how some kid’s have to struggle so much and grow up assuming no one loves them. It breaks my heart. This was really well written and will have many people thinking and maybe acting on their instinct to help.
Amy @Planning Playtime says
I had a neighbor who was a foster parent for many years. To see the difference she made in the lives of these kids was so touching. She gave them stability, accountability, love and a family. We need a lot more people like her.
Yanique Chambers says
It’s amazing the impact love and stability can have on children. I hope more people like her rise to the occasion.
Ronda Ogilvie says
My family adopted six out of foster care starting at age 8. You are right when you say, being a foster parent isn’t for everybody! These kiddos are tough!
Yanique Chambers says
God bless your family! That is amazing.
Michele says
This is heartbreaking! On the up side, yesterday at my daughters graduation from UW Milwaukee, they featured a young man who had been in the foster care system from the age of three. He had bounced from place to place, but somehow he managed to end up in college, graduate with honors and now he is going to be a social worker so he can help other kids. It gives me hope!
Isabella @ La Bella Vida Design says
This story is extremely touching and unfortunately, so true. I hope to one day be the person who is able to give these children a home. I’ve seen so many children go from house to house and treated EXTREMELY poorly in their living situations. My heart goes out to all of the souls who have to go through this day to day. 🙁
Yanique Chambers says
I know what you mean. Some of these kids endure so much hurt and pain. It’s wonder they survive.
Agatha says
This is something I’m not aware of and foster care doesn’t get enough attention and support as it should do. I think in my culture there is a stigma attached to being a foster kid too; like you are labelled as a failure.
Katie says
Very important post. Heartbreaking but wonderful post. Great Foster Parents are such special people who touch and change lives.
Louisa says
This breaks my heart! I work at a nonprofit family counseling center and I often think about the “forgotten” children since I hear about them every week. There are so many children out there that need love and stability.
Yanique Chambers says
It is heartbreaking. I’m ever the optimist and I’m always hopeful that more and more people will rise to the occasion and find ways to be there for these children.