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When children come into the world, they are immediately bombarded with stereotypes and biases about gender roles. Society, the media, and parents all play a role in conveying to children what it means to be a boy and what it means to be a girl. For example, we dress little girls in pink and frills and boys in blue and sports-themed attire. We encourage girls to be nurturers and caregivers while telling boys to be leaders and providers.
As children transition from childhood to adolescence, their views on gender roles are significantly impacted by these stereotypes. Since children’s first exposure to what gender roles are comes from their family, it’s crucial that parents be mindful of the gender role biases they might be passing on to their children.
Sometimes we don’t even recognize that we are reinforcing stereotypical views on gender roles in our children. Here are five common phrases typically said to girls that reinforce biases about gender roles.
- You’re so bossy. Girls are often encouraged to be submissive, to not be pushy, and to be as demure as possible. Therefore, when a little girl defies expectations and asserts her opinions and wants, this challenges the stereotypical views of how girls should behave, and their behavior is perceived negatively. In contrast, when boys display the same behaviors, they are complimented for showing great leadership skills. This sends the message to little girls that they should be followers and allow their male counterparts to lead.
- Act like a lady. Boys and girls are born into a world that automatically tells them how they should carry themselves. They are directly and indirectly told that girls like dresses, glitter and playing with dolls, while boys like sports and all things adventure. Girls should act like ladies by being kind and submissive. Ladies don’t yell or argue, so when a girl raises her voice and says unkind things, it’s not uncommon to hear someone reprimand her by saying “stop it and act like a lady.” When little girls are told to act like ladies, they learn that boys and girls are expected to behave a certain way and if they don’t behave the right way, they are somehow less of a girl. Phrases like act like a lady stifles little girls and prevents them from expressing their personalities for fear others will judge them.
- You’re such a drama queen. We all know the stereotype of women being extremely emotional and having their feelings cloud their judgment. When we accuse girls of behaving like drama queens, we reinforce this stereotype. We convey to girls that having a willingness to express their feelings and show emotion is a negative thing. Additionally, labeling girls as drama queens when they express their feelings is an effective way to invalidate their feelings.
- You’re such a tomboy. A tomboy is defined as a girl who enjoys rough, noisy activities traditionally associated with boys. Some people think calling a girl a tomboy is some form of a compliment, but the label is problematic. Calling a girl a tomboy promotes the stereotype that ‘real’ girls don’t play sports, get dirty, or go on adventures. Those are things boys do. Therefore, any girl that does these things is different and requires their own special label. Labeling girls as tomboys can have a negative impact on their developing self-concept and self-image because the term tomboy implies that these girls are somehow not atypical.
- You’re so pretty. This one is a little tricky. I mean what’s the harm in telling little girls they are pretty? It builds their self-esteem, right? The answer to that is yes and no. Society bases so much of a woman’s identity on her physical appearance. When we bombard girls with praises of ‘you’re so pretty’, some girls start believing that their worth is tied to their appearance. Therefore, if they start getting messages from others that they are not pretty, they begin to question their worth. We can still tell girls they’re pretty, we just need to make sure that they know that they are more than just their physical appearance.
So if these phrases should be avoided, then what can we tell girls instead? Well, we can start encouraging them to be their authentic selves, even if it goes against stereotypes. We can celebrate their individuality and the richness of their personality. Most importantly, we can support our girls by helping them to redefine what it means to be a girl.
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Tiffany says
Great tips! I think it’s important to encourage girls to be their authentic self – whatever that looks like to them!
Shann Eva says
I love your suggestions as what to tell them instead. I think I’m guilty of telling my nieces how pretty or how cute they look, so I need to focus on other things about their personalities too.
Stephanie says
YES thank you for posting this. We need to prioritize raising our girls with positive attitudes. Also, it’s really important to raise our sons to be aware of these important messages.
Brittany says
I definitely agree with the tomboy comment. I was always told that as a kid and it makes you start to feel like you’re doing something you shouldn’t be.
Taylor Mobley says
I think instead of bossy we should tell girls they have leadership skills 😉 bossy has such awful, negative connotations. I always hated that growing up.
Terri says
You are absolutely right but I already know I will fail miserably on the pretty one. I will promise to work hard on it!
Kecia | OnlineIncomeMom says
I need to remember these for when my niece is older. I only have boys, but I try to be mindful of what I am saying to them too.
karen says
Tough stuff to think about in how we talk to girls. The pretty one is a slippery slope. You dont want girls to think that this is a priority, yet you dont want them wondering if they look ok. Know what I mean? But – great things to think about and be mindful of for sure!
Vicky says
These are all good suggestions. I have thought to myself that my daughter is a drama queen (which is probably not a great thing to think) but I have not said it to her.
Kori says
I will really need to keep these in mind with my toddler! I do use the bossy phrase with her but not necessarily because of her gender- more because of her 2 going on 20 attitude.
Lisa says
Raising little girls is so hard these days with all the social media and messages they see each day. I try to reassure my daughter she can do anything. I want her to have self esteem and know that being a good person and trying her best at whatever she does is so important. We must be mindful every day.
Charlotte says
I totally agree and love your alternatives, It is so hard because you feel like you are being harmless when talking to them but actually we are fostering gender roles and equality without realising it and ultimately nothing will change unless we do it ourselves, love this post!
Reesa says
Wow I am sure I am guilty of a lot of these without even realizing it!!! It’s really so true, we need to be more careful how we speak to our daughters!
OurFamilyWorld says
I am guilty of number 2. I used to say this to my daughter when she was younger. These are great suggestions.
Kristin says
I love these phrases. I am guilty of saying a couple of them to my older daughter. I have called her a drama queen on occasion but I call my nephew that too so it all depends. I love that you give alternatives for the “you are pretty” comment. Whenever we say that to our girls we try to give another compliment right on top of it, such as you are also very kind. Its all a balancing act.
Cynthia says
Yes yes yes! We are responsible to lifting our daughters up! Only we can teach them to be true to themselves and to be authentic
Blythe says
My mom always told my sister and I to act like ladies, but she never meant it in a condescending or gender role kind of way. She also told my brother to act like a gentleman. So to me, acting like a lady means have confidence and respect for myself, so others do the same.
Amanda Love says
These are great suggestions and it’s perfect for empowering young girls as they grow up. They shouldn’t be raised as if they are weaker or have less abilities to do what they want to do in life.
Megan mccoig says
This is a great post, I’ve never seen anything like this. I agree with all of them, especially the tom boy one as it’s not fair to encourage girls to change who they want to be!
Cara (@StylishGeek) says
Thanks for your awesome suggestion. I had to think back what I often say to my daughter. I think it’s two things (1) It does not have to be perfect but at least do your best, and (2) Being smart is better than being pretty. 🙂
Krystel @ Planning The Magic says
I love this article and think it’s so important to share this kind of thing with parents. I hear it all the time and of course parents don’t mean harm but it’s something we should become more aware of. Great article, def sharing.
Jennifer Corter says
I completely agree with all of these! Most especially act like a lady. No, let the kid act like they want to act. Let them grow into themselves, not be forced into a tight little lady-like box.
Denea says
Some I say to my little girl. Like your so pretty because she is beautiful but I see your point. Thanks for sharing these suggestions, I will know think before I say some of these things,
CourtneyLynne says
Great suggestions!! I’m guilty of always telling little ones how pretty they are -_- makes yoga sense why it’s not always a good thing….
Foodie Finds Home says
This is an interesting post, I have stated a few of these phrases before and will consider them before stating them again.
Ellie Augustin says
Love these! I remember when I was little I would hear over and over again your such a tomboy.. I always use to say HUH why cause I can run faster then the boys and would rather get dirty and play with cars and HATE dresses? My dad was my support and he would give me what he knew I needed and would get my baseball caps and encouraged me to be me. I do that with my girls they love baseball but they all love all pretty things which was actually new to me since I had their brothers before them and I actually knew what to do w/them Ha.. But now I embrace our Tea parties and truck play. The most important thing is to encourage my girls. Oh and I’m still a “tomboy w/a cute side Ha…
christina aliperti says
I love this! I was always called a tomboy growing up. It didn’t bother me till I became an adult.
Lucy Valdez says
I try to use phrases like “overly dramatic” and it applies to both my kids! I also teach them to push back when they feel like they are being bullied or belittled by anyone…I think as a society we are getting way too pc but I think with kids you never know what kind of an affect it is going to have.
Anvita says
Some really good advice here. One could make it appropriate for a boy too. Thanks for sharing.
Robin Rue says
This is such an awesome post. We tend to say things like this and not realize we are doing it.