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Emotional abuse often goes unnoticed because it leaves no visible scars. In honor of Child Abuse Prevention Month, today I’m sharing my experience with emotional abuse. I’ve also included warning signs of emotional abuse in children.
I could hear her screaming downstairs through my closed bedroom door. She was in another one of her rages and I was her target. “You don’t do anything around here! You are lazy and nasty. All you do is read and waste the electricity!” I tried to tune her out. However, every word she said cut through me like a dagger. I wanted to disappear to a place where her words couldn’t hurt. A place where I was loved and wanted.
Occurrences like this happened on a regular basis when I was a child. No one thing would set my mother off. Sometimes it was because she didn’t like how I did a chore. Other times it was because she didn’t like my attitude. Sadly, I believed the mean things my mother said about me. After all, she is my mother. It never dawned on me that what she was doing was emotional abuse.
According to Prevent Child Abuse America, emotional abuse is a pattern of maltreatment by parents or caregivers that leads to impaired psychological growth and development. Abusers constantly reject, ignore, belittle, dominate, and criticize their victims. This is more than just a parent having a bad day or using poor judgment when disciplining a child.
For example, when I misbehaved, my parents wouldn’t speak to me for MONTHS. They pretended I was invisible and would communicate with me by sending messages via my little sister. My mother would be spiteful. She would get McDonald’s and call my younger siblings to eat in her bedroom. I had to eat whatever I could find. My mom would even tell my little sister not to share with me when she tried to sneak me food.
Many people don’t believe emotional abuse is really abuse. They assume that because the wounds left behind from emotional abuse aren’t visible, it must not be that bad. This couldn’t be further from the truth. The American Humane Association states that emotional abuse “can seriously interfere with a child’s cognitive, emotional, psychological or social development.”
Additionally, research findings released in 2014 by the American Psychological Association suggest that children who are emotionally abused and neglected face similar (sometimes worse) mental health problems as children who are physically or sexually abused. The study also revealed that children who are emotionally abused suffered from “anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, symptoms of post-traumatic stress and suicidality at the same rate, and in some cases, at a greater rate than children who were physically or sexually abused.”
Although emotional abuse doesn’t leave bruises or physical scars, the following are some signs that a child may be experiencing emotional abuse. Children who are emotionally abused may:
- Be clingy and constantly attention and affection seeking
- Appear constantly withdrawn and sad
- Have a hard time developing emotional bonds with others
- Struggle to make and keep friends
- Show a lack of self-confidence and self-esteem
- Display sudden unexplained changes in their behavior
- Show signs of sleep difficulties (getting too much or too little)
- Change eating habits (eating too much or too little)
- Appear depressed, scared, and/or anxious
- Suddenly develop incontinence or lack of bowel control (after mastering toileting)
- Behave in a manner too mature for their age
- Have trouble managing their anger and may display frequent angry outbursts
- Experience academic difficulties (poor grades, chronic truancy, etc).
Children don’t always talk about what’s going on in their home. Many kids are taught that whatever happens at home stays at home. Some children don’t report emotional abuse because they fear it will make the abuse worse or get their abuser in trouble. Sadly, there are also kids who believe that their parents’ emotionally abusive behaviors are the norm. These children need someone in their lives who can recognize the pain they are in so they can protect them.
If you believe that a child is being abused emotionally or otherwise, please contact your local Child Protective Services Agency. If you believe the child is in immediate danger, call 911 immediately. You can find additional information on Child Abuse Prevention Month here.
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Six Pack Mommy says
My heart hurt for your experiences growing up, but you have used that pain to help so many people. This is an excellent point, and a good reminder to every parent to think very carefully about the impact that his/her words have on their child.
Yanique Chambers says
Thanks Stephanie! I appreciate your kind words 🙂 The damage from emotional abuse lasts a long time. I’m hopeful though because so many survivors have the courage to bring awareness to something most people want to ignore.
Deb R says
Wow! You’ve overcome a lot! Your post is very informative. Thank you for sharing your story.
Amy Nielson says
There are so many scars we never see. I love this list. Thank you so much for sharing.
Kim says
This is such an important topic. I am sorry for all you went through, but am thankful that you are willing to share so that others can learn.
CoCo says
Wow, its not often that I am around kids that I could assess these behaviors, but when it comes time that I have my own children I will have to keep these in mind to ensure they and their friends are not affected by such a thing.
Robin Masshole Mommy says
Thanks for sharing this list. I can’t even imagine what’s going on in the head of one of these poor kids.
Terri says
As a teacher I can tell you when I encountered what I thought might be emotional abuse I would do all I could to make sure that child felt valued and loved in my room.
Ana De- Jesus says
I had to take a deep breath reading this because what you have been through echoes my own childhood. My mum left me when I was with my dad when I was 2 & a half and then my dad met someone else the woman who would become my stepmother and abuser. She physically abused me on occasions but it was the emotional abuse that happened all the time that was worse. I still suffer the psychological effects and like you often think that I am worthless and never good enough. I am so sorry to hear about what your mother did to you but proud of you for raising awareness. Well done hun xxx
alexandria says
That was a hard post to read, but I hope you posting this can help someone. I cannot imagine a mom not showing their daughter all the love in the world. I hope you continue to be that strong woman!
Carolyn says
This touches my heart so much. I hate that you or anyone goes through this. Thanks for bringing awareness and hopefully help stop anyone else from going through it.
Roxanne says
I applaud you for summoning the courage to share your story in such a public, unfiltered way. You are more than the abuse you suffered in childhood. You may have just saved another human from harming themselves, or helped someone identify a child in need of help out of an abusive situation. I am so sorry that was what you experienced growing up. You are truly amazing to use all of that to help others! Hugs. 😉
Debra says
Holy Hannah! I am so sorry you went through that. Every child deserves to feel loved and safe.
Blythe A. says
Thank you for sharing your story. So often people forget that abuse isn’t just physical, it is also emotional. As others have mentioned, every child deserves the right to grow up in a home filled with love and support.
tiaras and tantrums says
so sad. This is something I never want my daughters to experience. It is our job to build up strong women!
jill conyers says
The more awareness the better. There are warning signs that are often missed. Sadly everyone that works with kids needs to and should be trained on this.
Erin says
Oh abuse, emotional or otherwise, makes my heart just ache. I’ve seen first hand what it does to a person and I hate to think children are still going through this!
Diane says
Thank you for sharing your story. It certainly does make you think about the words you use and the tone. Thanks for reminding us. Hugs!
Heather says
This is definitely something that needs more awareness. I think that a lot of kids do not know how to process this abuse, and are unable to know what it is exactly, they just feel extreme hurt and shame.
Mimi says
I’m sorry you had such a rough experience in your childhood. Thank you for sharing these important signs for what could be emotional abuse. Some of them I wouldn’t have even thought of being a sign.
becca says
Thanks for sharing. I used to work in daycare, and there were a lot of kids who showed these signs. It was awful that there wasn’t a whole lot we could do for them without hearing a full story or seeing evidence.
Michele says
Im sorry you had to endure this…. but thanks for sharing and spreading the word for things to look out for. It DOES make a difference…
laura londergan says
I am so sorry you had to live with this. I too was a victim of verbal abuse. My father used to tell me how fat I was regardless of how small/big I was and to this day I still have image issues thanks to him. But thanks to my faith, I am a different person 😉
Deb-It's me, debcb says
So sorry you experienced this. I hope your blog reaches a lot of people and helps them.
Stacey says
This is so brave of you to share your story. and my heart goes out to you. As a teacher we are always looking to understand our students and their families.
Mardene Carr says
Many times people only focus on one type of abuse…but abuse is abuse whether physical or verbal..
Haley says
I’m so sorry for the awful treatment! But I’m glad you are so brave to speak out and help further this cause by bringing awareness to it!
Toni Williams says
You are so brave for sharing your story…thank you! Emotional abuse is such an overlooked part of abuse, but the effects are very real and long-lasting.
Karen Wood says
I was emotionally, physically, and sexually abused from the day I was born until I finally left at age 18. I was even afraid to leave. A friend had to force me. I had been paying rent to share an apartment with her after graduation for 4 months before she helped/made me move in. I no longer have the lack of self esteem but I live with anxiety depression and shyness. It has stolen my life. I am 58 years old and have a high IQ but remain unsuccessful despite a lifelong work and struggle to achieve. It’s the damages from the abuse that hold me back. Other people and I can’t relate as they expect relating to go. I find a lot of people still abusive in usually passive aggressive type ways but also in downright rude and exploitative ways. I’m never that way to anyone. That’s why I at least have self esteem.
Deb says
State Child protection agencies just won’t do anything until a child is hospitalized. It breaks my heart
Chelsey says
Thank you for being so vulnerable! I appreciate your honesty in an effort to raise awareness for others!
Sarah says
Hi, I don’t really know where to start…. I have 3 children that are being mentally abused by their stepmom to the point they have gotten on antidepressants. I have had the kids in therapy for over 2 years who are advocating that the stepmom have no accesses to the children . However, we are in Texas and other lawyers and their therapist all day for emotional abuse a judge won’t keep away the wife because they are married. The things she says , tells the kids , call the kids etc the therapist have some of it verbatim and it’s awful . It never stops! My kids are getting to the point of no return and I have spent weeks trying to find more outlets and help from people who are advocating about it and not concentrating on physical etc… Not that that’s not VERY important. I am a desperate mother who is going against and narcissistic ex-husband and a wife that is very brazen, no filter, knows no boundaries but can play a very good role when it needs to be. Anything you could give me …. I want the word to get out about the seriousness of this and help me maybe show along w/the therapists the effects it really has. He refuses to let them participate in after school activities, extracurricular activities, friends bdays …….I want to protect my kids because I went through both physical and emotional abuse growing up and I swore I would NEVER allow this to happen to my kids .
Yanique Chambers says
Hi Sarah-I’m so sorry to hear that you and your family are going through this. Narcissistic abuse is insiduous and its effects can take a lifetime to heal. There aren’t many scientific studies done on narcissistic abuse, however, many mental health professionals have written about it. For instance, psychologist Karyl McBride has done a lot of work in this area. She also works with narcisstically abused children in a residential treatment facility. I’ll leave a link to one of her articles.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-legacy-distorted-love/201802/the-real-effect-narcissistic-parenting-children
Here’s another article by a psychologist as well.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/insight-is-2020/201405/narcissistic-parents-psychological-effect-their-children