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I was twelve when it happened. I had forgotten something outside on the playground during gym class and asked the teacher to go get it. On my way back from the playground I came across a group of cheerleaders. Immediately my heart began to beat faster and my hands felt clammy and shaky. I really didn’t want to be alone with these girls. Their ring leader, we’ll call her Jane, took pleasure in tormenting me on a daily basis. Each chance she got she and her minions made fun of my hair and teased me about my clothes. The last thing I wanted was to be alone with them.
I was right to be fearful. As soon as I got close to the group of girls, they spread out to block me from getting past them. Then their usual teasing began. Jane told me how fat and ugly I was and how I had no friends. I didn’t know what to do so I just stayed quiet. Even when Jane shoved me to the ground and laughed at me, I didn’t say or do anything. I was numb from humiliation and fear. I couldn’t stand to be in my own body so I mentally escaped to a place where they couldn’t touch me.
After about ten minutes or so they decided they had had enough fun with me and walked off toward the school building. As they left, I did a quick scan to make sure no one had witnessed me being a coward. I felt so ashamed. I couldn’t believe I let those girls walk all over me and did nothing.
This was when the first seed of self-hate was planted.
12 year old me at my sixth grade dance in 1992
It never occurred to me to tell anyone that I was being bullied. I blamed myself and believed that me being bullied was my fault. I told myself that I deserved what I got. I was convinced that if I wasn’t a coward, then I wouldn’t have been bullied.
I wish I could have told my parents that I was being bullied. However, they weren’t the types to validate my feelings, and based on past experiences, I felt that they would trivialize the whole ordeal. I was vulnerable at the time and didn’t want to risk telling them what happened and having them make me feel worse.
That incident with the cheerleaders remained an open wound for years to come. For a long time I questioned my worth and tried to over compensate by becoming an over-achiever and a perfectionist. I could always hear Jane’s voice in my head telling me how worthless and ugly I was.
Every time I liked a cute boy I could hear Jane cackling and saying “yeah right? What would he see in you?!” Jane’s voice was loud and clear after each failed relationship. Always reminding me that I was toxic and not fit for consumption.
When I went to apply to colleges, my negative self-talk was on steroids. I replayed every mean, self-deprecating statement Jane and her friends had ever told me over and over in my head. After a while it wasn’t their voice I heard spewing negativity, it was my own. I internalized everything Jane and her cronies said to me and I let them define me as a good for nothing, worthless, coward. I started to own that identity and didn’t apply to ivy-league schools or to law school because I told myself I was not good enough to do either.
I’ve worked hard to change the negative voice in my head. I’ve come a long way from the insecure, low self-esteem girl that I used to be. However, I would be lying if I said that I don’t hear echoes of Jane’s voice still taunting me. Thankfully, I have the support of my loving husband and children and they help me to see the best in myself every day. It’s because of them that I am able to choose to listen to the voice of love and not let the baggage from my past stake a claim on my destiny.
There are four things I want people to take away from my experience being bullied:
- Bullying is not just kids being kids. Kids who bully are kids being assholes. I can’t think of any words that can accurately capture the pain of what it feels like to have someone constantly beat you down either physically or verbally.
- Words do hurt…and they hurt a lot. I would rather take a punch to the gut than have to sit through someone telling me I’m no good time and time again. The pain from the hit will fade, but the pain from words remain deeply etched into who you think you are.
- Keep the lines of communication open with your children. I encourage parents to talk to their children. Talk to them about anything. The more you talk to them about trivial things, the more likely they will be to talk to you when they are in trouble. I wish back then I felt comfortable enough to tell my mom what was going on. I might not have felt so alone and helpless if I had confided in her.
To the person reading this who is being bullied, tell someone you trust what’s going on. There really is strength in numbers and you don’t have to go it alone. Also, don’t lose hope. I know you are hurting right now and it feels like it won’t ever stop, but I promise you, it does get better.
To find out more about bullying or how you can help, visit stopbullying.gov
If you like this post, you might also like Free Printable Affirmation Cards For Kids
Chelsea says
I”m so worried about dealing with bullies when I actually have kids. And you are absolutely right- bullying is NOT just for kids. I actually recently got online bullied a few months ago by a fellow blogger. Online bullying is almost worst because people think they are invincible behind a screen. Thank you for bringing awareness about this important topic!
Scott says
My girls are exactly that age and have been the subject of bullying. The schools seem to handle it better, but especially among girls it seems just too prevalent.
Brittany says
I pray that my children don’t go through bullying at school. Words do hurt and they really hurt for children.
Yanique Chambers says
In my opinion words sometimes hurt more than being hit! Bullying is not an experience any child should endure and I wholeheartedly wish that your children do not experience bullying at all!!!
Amanda says
I don’t think people realize how long these situations stick with us! Bullying needs to be spoken about more to bring more awareness to it. Thank you for sharing your story!
Yanique Chambers says
I hope one day people fully grasp how damaging being bullied can be to someone. I appreciate you stopping by and sharing your thoughts Amanda!
Shann Eva says
This brought me right back to elementary school. I was never one of the “cool” kids. I remember sitting at lunch across from this older girl and she just made fun of me the whole time. I had a sweater on with scotty dogs, and she told me I looked like a dog and was ugly. It stayed with me for so long. I never wore that sweater again either. Girls can be so mean and horrible. I’m sorry that you had to experience this, but I’m glad you are sharing it on your blog to help others get help from bullying.
Becky @ Disney in your Day says
Wow, so I was actually just thinking about this today because I have low self-esteem. And I was remembering how it all stems back to middle school and high school, and constantly being bullied. It really just leave a lasting impact. I’m 27 years old and still dealing with the way people made me feel and how much it’ shaped my perception of myself. I’m also in a much better place now but still dealing with the effects of it.
Yanique Chambers says
Becky it’s crazy. Some days I think I’m finally past it and then something will get triggered and I’m back to being that 12 year old girl in middle school. I don’t know if that will ever go away. This is why it’s so crucial that we learn to love and nurture ourselves through those tough moments. I’m glad to hear that you are in a better place.
Antonio says
I was never subjected to that much bullying growing up. I was always a big kid. But that was the reason I took up for others who couldn’t do it for themselves. I am hesitant for my daughters who are growing up so fast. Lord knows what I would do to the other person.
Megan Gonzalez @ The Busy Life says
I went through something very similar. The girls weren’t cheerleaders and the boys weren’t jocks, but they still criticized my make-up and clothes and told me I wasn’t good enough to sit with the girls in my class, the girls who were supposed to be my friends, but didn’t stand up for me. I cried so often in middle school because of their meanness. It severely damaged my ability to make friends. I still have trouble with that to this day. I overcompensated by becoming intimidating–I started wearing heels and basically business cloths to school and I was at the top of my class in grades. I never intimidated anyone, but my fancy clothes and studious, untouchable attitude managed to shut them all out. They stopped bothering me. But everyone else stopped bothering with me. It took years to unlearn some of those habits and ways of thinking about myself and others. I still struggle with it at times. But I’m so glad that bullying is getting the attention it deserves. It needs to be stopped. Thank you for sharing your story. It’s another needed reminder that I was not alone. Another great resource against bullying is http://jointhetribelet.com/. Nancy Rue, a Christian author who runs the site, is doing some truly incredible things.
Yanique Chambers says
Megan first off, I’m sorry you had to go through that. I wish people understood the lasting effects of being bullied. You certainly are not alone and I’m glad that people are starting to see that bullying is not some rite of passage that happens to every kid in school. I haven’t heard of Nancy Rue but will definitely check out her website. Thanks for sharing your experience. As you mentioned, it helps knowing that you are not the only one it happened to.
Helena says
You’re so right – bullies are not kids just being kids. They are assholes and the issue must be addressed. Great post and I’m glad you are putting it all behind you
Yanique Chambers says
Every bit of awareness and attempts at preventing bullying counts. Thanks so much for taking the time to read!
Erica says
I’m so sorry you had to go through that. Bullying does give out a long term effect and I am glad that your sharing your experience and spreading the word against anti-bullying. It must have bee hard for you to write this.
Yanique Chambers says
Thanks Erica. It was difficult writing this but luckily I can say I’m in a good place and right now I just want others to know that it can get better. Thanks for stopping by!
Michelle says
This is a very powerful and important message, it’s so important for parents to be aware of this! Thank you for sharing your story
Yanique Chambers says
It really is Michelle. Our kids need to know that we will protect them.
Becca says
I was bullied as a kid but I never even thought about it as bullying, because I wasn’t being hit or having my head shoved into a toilet!
Yanique Chambers says
So many people feel the same way Becca. Many people minimize teasing and name calling and don’t consider it bullying but in the long run the impact is the same or in some cases worse.
Cynthia @craftoflaughter says
Thanks for sharing your story in such an open way. You’ve been able to express what many kids can’t
Beth@FrugalFroggie says
I am sorry that you were bullied as a child. I am so happy for you that you got past it and you are the great woman that you are now.
Debra says
My little one has been facing some bullies at school. It upsets me so much!
Di says
Hugs. You are so right it’s not “kids being kids” if that’s peoples attitude they need to teach their kids better personal skills! Sorry you had to go through that.
lexie says
Im so sorry you had to experience this my dear, I really hope my daughter doesn’t have to experience such nastiness and try my best to keep lines of communication open with her.
Michelle @ Sunshine and Hurricanes.com says
Thank you for sharing your story. I tell me kids all the time that the things that happen to you do not define you, it’s how you handle those things. Great advice here!
Michelle says
Thank you for sharing your story. It is so important for us to be aware of bullying and to reconfirmed the signs. It comes in all shapes and sizes!
Kristin says
It breaks my heart that so many kids are struggling with this kind of treatement!
Kristin says
Treatment that is. 🙂
Stacey says
I am terribly sorry for all of the suffering that you endured. Yes words hurt, and as you so eloquently explained they also haunt. As a teacher, I wish there was a way to do away with all bullying. We continue to educate and hold kids accountable – but it can never erase what has already happened.
Trish @Almost Sexy Mommy says
I wasn’t bullied, but I had a lot of friends (and a sister) who were. I got in trouble all the time for beating up the bullies who hurt my friends and sister, and I’m sure the bullies thought I was a bully. I don’t know. I do know that I am so sorry you went through this, and I’m glad you were able to put it into words.
Ashleigh says
These are really great tips. I have been on both ends, and having a special needs child, bullying is something I worry about.